My whole life has consisted of wondering why I am here on this earth. I grew up in a very abusive home with
three brothers. I was the only girl in the family. My mother's parents were the only truly positive thing in my life.
My dad's parents were a lot like my parents; were always fighting and arguing. My step grandfather molested
me at a very early age and this pattern continued for many years after. I grew up thinking this was normal. I
was always looking for ways to try to please everyone and try to stay out of everyone's way.
At the age of 15 I thought I was pregnant. Thank God I wasn't, but this is when I knew something had to change
in my life. My Maternal grandparents would take me to church when I was allowed to be around them, which
wasn't very often. But I wanted so desperately to be just like my grandmother. She was so close to God. I don't
believe she ever had a bad thing to say about anyone. To me my grandmother was perfect. I'm sure she had made
mistakes, but I don't recall ever seeing any.
She was so full of love for everyone. Shortly after I turned 15, I knew I had to get away from home or I would
become pregnant. My boyfriend and I thought the best thing to do was to get married. I ran away from home
because my parents would not allow me to marry. I eventually returned home and was told I could marry if this
was the only way. I got married and this began a whole new set of problems.
My husband was an alcoholic and was very abusive. I thought the abuse was normal because this was what I saw
at home. I became pregnant and began my life. I continued to try to make this marriage work for another 12 years,
and in this span of time I began to learn of God. I don't ever really remember giving Him my all. I always held
back part of myself.
I blamed a lot of things in my life for the way my life had been going. Never once did I consider the lies of satan and
the tricks he often plays. At the age of 22 and four kids later, I found myself in a situation where I completely turned
against God. I became a very angry and bitter person. Extremely mad at God over the events of my life at that time.
My husband had molested my daughter and this was to be the final blow in our marriage. I always felt I could handle
anything he done to me. But not one of my children. I finally got a divorce and became angrier at God for my situation.
I spent another year finding ways to escape reality. Drinking, drugs, sex, lying, anything to help me forget.
Finally one day I hit bottom.
I went to a twelve step program and finally started rebuilding my life. 4 years later I met a wonderful man who I now
know was sent by God. We married and continued on our life as we knew it to be. After about a year of marriage, I
was depressed to the point of not caring if I lived or died. The depression became worse and was very devastating. I
was to begin my visits with the psychiatric hospitals and anti-depressants.
My husband and I both felt there was more to life and that something is missing. We were searching trying to find the
answers of what was missing. We were both in the twelve step program working on learning to face reality. One day
my youngest daughter had asked me to go to a revival with her. My children were in church and have always been in
church as long as I can remember. I agreed to go with her. When I went, God got a hold of me and my whole life
changed from that point. I had spent the last four years prior to that in and out of psychiatric hospitals for major
depression. My psychiatrist had said there was nothing left he could do to treat me. I would be in and out of hospitals
the rest of my life and would be on antidepressants from now on. But God had a different plan. From that night I began
to feel different. I no longer felt there was nothing left to live for. I am so grateful for His love and grace to know when
it looks as if there is no hope left you just have to call on Jesus and everything is alright. I have not taken an anti-depressants
since that time and have not been in the hospital since then. I serve an awesome God.
I have been born again and truly reborn for about four years. God is working in our lives in such a mighty way. I now
work in missions. My husband has been called to be a prophetic speaker. God is using us both and we are very excited
each day to know that when you think there is nothing left and you call out to Him, He is there to hear you and answer.
God Bless You All.