As a child of nine years old, I first recall watching my father
and curse my mother. This became a natural thing in my home. I was
of ten children, five who remain alive today. My father was a
who worked very hard and drank even harder. His few months in
prison as a
teenager, brought him much grief because of the sexual cruelty
him. This may of been the reason for such fierce outburst of
mental cruelty that we faced as a family. We moved from the city
place of seclusion, away from people. It was called the farm and
life was hard.
My mother who had been tortured mentally and beaten had become
her health slowly leaving her. But she remained loyal to my
worked hard in the fields and still looking for acceptance with my
father. But he was busy working hard, and keeping us fed. The
flooded him begun to overflow, the side affects became harsher.
His nights out with the women and then came the affects of him
touching me. I told my mother and it stopped. Now it was even
reach in and find my father. The alcohol had begun to eat at his
had set in and we were standing near his side, as he hallucinated
weeks. He was being tormented and I begun to see the spiritual
around him. Through these growing up years, life was a lesson of
fear, a slow torture of the demonic!
I got born-again in a dry Baptist church, and God walked thru my
lessons of spiritual warfare! My sisters and brother's were my
we all stayed close, but they grew up and out of the home. We
and the shame of not having my own room as a child and the hard
taxed me as a young woman. I could not find acceptance of myself.
in the day that my father touched me physically, and getting close
blocked. We all were older now and I went running to find real
only through my body. I got married and it lasted one year, not my
kind I said.
My mother now had given all the love that she had, she was my best
and now I watch as she lays dyeing, I got too see her last breath
and I remember when that was gone, I said, "She just met Jesus.”
was crushed. I seen a beautiful, loving mother go .I was all
alone. Then I
started looking: And always I looked for the men who had nothing
me but sex, and drugs! I was looking for love, and sex was my
of course the mental, and physical abusive was welcomed by me. My
child was born, my daughter. She has never seen her father, he was
ex-felon who done time (ten years) in prison for murder of two
men. But I
had this Love to give and it would change him I know. But reality
came, my world once again fell in when he up and left," hit and
my men of choice. But my heart cried out, for Love. Relationships
went, always mental abusive, and never ever lasting. I was the
they took! Another man entered my world and I married him. We
together, and I had a son. We moved to another state, and there I
phone call my father, he was ill, and I knew in my heart that this
be the last time to ever talk to him. The words I said was daddy
yourself and forgive me. He made peace and I mourned deeply from
call. DADDY is dead. A man so tormented and abused himself,
finally got to
rest, making peace with Jesus. My marriage this I knew would last
but then suddenly. I saw the work of the enemy and it begun to
home. The first heart attack, then the second, then the third, my
husband's health had begun to get intense. He was weakening. I
anointing on him, I shared in the power of the Lord, but Suddenly!
first home ever after 14 years of marriage, we were loosing it, we
loosing our business we had just started. We were loosing our
daughter on drugs and running wild, my step-son and son
anxiety and fear! I cried unto the Lord!
Hell flooded my home, with fear. Fear that my husband would leave
again, as he had done two times before. God had told my husband
words, "Tarry not with the world, My kingdom is at hand.” But it
make sense then, God had just given me the name of my ministry He
leading me in. Forerunner Ministry and I knew it would be a patch
leather vest. He left us!!!! Then he returned, only for a time.
The one I
trusted, I loved, I helped so very hard to please. Once Again! The
call from my daughter, He left us mom! I run home to two
children, and I was devastated. We lost our home, and I lost my
cannot express the depth of PAIN that tormented me for the next
was all gone, nothing mattered. I thought of suicide and the
tasted better this time. Bible in one hand, alcohol and pain in
other. The church was there, but the people were farther away in
my husband was. Did they really care? You could not talk to them,
you did they would give you clique words and that was no use to
me. I was
hurting and wanted comfort! All I knew is that I could not reach
because they were too busy for God.
I needed love, and stopped looking in those places! I fell into
mental torture. It consumed me. I could not let go of the fact
that I had
lost everything, Everything that I loved, either dies or runs!! My
children were my mainstay. Fear stayed and I held on for the ride.
worked hard and tried to cope. My job of two years suddenly laid
Fear was my side partner, it would not leave.
I begun to hear the Lord talk of forgiveness. I was bitter at the
for the first time. I like a child kicked at the couch one day and
Him what I thought. Alcohol numbed me and it felt good, but the
spirit wooed me to himself.
I tried to reach out to the church, I wanted to know more. But I
it is in there, I was the odd one out. I heard songs sung about
love the world, and let the sinner come in. Well I came in tired,
and hurting. I left, tired, abuse, hurting, and with a sense that
listen to the Lord myself and did not need this acceptance.
time I learned to forgive. Jesus told me that He would be with me,
stayed true. He shared with me that I must forgive my husband and
mistresses. It took sometime for me, but one day the Lord gentle
my sins, and how he forgave me. He told me not to share the gospel
had learned to forgive. I knew then that I had to forgive. This
and as I did, I became "Free", and I learned to pray with and for
husband. I prayed with his women, and know now that the work of
has not been in vain in my life. I have seen how that my ministry
Forerunner has not died, but has been in training. I was looking
father, and I have begun to find Him.
I know that those early years of training were stepping stones to
others! Dealing with rejection, lust, alcohol, drugs, and hate in
life's, they too need Forgiveness, and Love. It set me free. I
hurting in the streets, in the church, on the job. It is
Now from out of depths of pain that I experienced, the depths of
taken it's place.
I FOUND MY FATHER, JESUS is LORD!