AN AWESOME THING HAPPENED TO ME ON FRIDAY AUGUST 11TH 2000.
MY COUSINS ARE IN A RELIGIOUS BAND AND THEY WERE INVITED TO SING AT THIS
CHURCH THAT WAS CELEBRATING ITS ANNIVERSARY. ONE OF MY COUSINS SPOKE ABOUT
HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME AND HOW GLAD HE WAS TO HAVE ME THERE. THEY SANG
BEAUTIFUL SONGS, AND I COULDN'T HELP BUT CRY.

THEN THIS YOUNG PREACHER (18YRS OLD) STARTED TO TALK ABOUT HOW HE WAS HAVING
A HARD TIME THE NIGHT BEFORE CHOOSING HIS SERMON, HE SAID THAT THE LORD KEPT
TELLING HIM TO TALK ABOUT TIREDNESS OF PRAYING, OF LIVING AND OTHER
THINGS.....WELL HE SAID HE FOUGHT WITH THE IDEA FOR AWHILE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO
DO SOMETHING SPECIAL SINCE IT WAS THE CHURCHES ANNIVERSARY.....UNTIL HE
FINALLY GAVE UP FIGHTING, HE GARBED A PAPER AND PENCIL AND JUST STARTED
WRITING.....AND MAN OH MAN, WHEN HE STARTED TALKING I STARTED SHAKING, THE
HAIRS ON MY ARMS STOOD UP AND MY WHOLE BODY WAS FILLED WITH GOOSE BUMPS...I
KNEW RIGHT THERE AND THEN, THAT THE MESSAGE WAS MEANT FOR ME. BEFORE I START
LET ME TELL YOU THAT I DON'T GO TO CHURCH AS MUCH AS I SHOULD, I GO ABOUT 10
TIMES A YEAR AND MOST OF THAT TIME IS WHEN THE CHURCH IS EMPTY AS WELL AS MY
SOUL, BUT I DO TALK WITH GOD ALL THE TIME AND EVERYDAY. WHAT I AM ABOUT TO 
SAY IS COMPLETELY THE TRUTH.

Well, HE STARTED SAYING...... THAT THEIR WAS SOMEONE IN THE ROOM THAT WAS
TIRED OF PRAYING, THAT FELT THAT THEIR PRAYERS CRASHED AGAINST THEIR BEDROOM
CEILING, THAT EVEN though THEY HAD A FAMILY FELT LONELY, THAT THEY CRIED
themselves TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT, THAT THEY CRIED FOR THE LACK OF HUGS, THAT
THEY DIDN'T GO TO CHURCH THAT NIGHT FOR THE REASONS EVERYONE THOUGHT....THAT
THEY WERE THERE AS A LAST RESORT CUZ THEY COULDN'T TAKE IT NO MORE, THAT ONCE
AGAIN THEY WERE TRIED OF LIVING AND SAW ONLY ONE WAY OUT.....( BY THIS TIME I
WAS IN TEARS) HE SAID THE GOD TOLD HIM TO TELL THAT PERSON, THAT HE HAS
ALWAYS BEEN THERE WITH THEM, THAT HE HEARS EVERY SPOKEN AND UNSPOKEN WORD
THAT THEY'VE SAID, AND THAT HE IS NEVER LATE....JUST LIKE HE WASN'T LATE WHEN
THEY WERE ON THE VERGE OF DEATH...HE STARTED TALKING ABOUT PAST SUICIDE ATTEMPTS
AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS (BY THIS TIME ITS WAS A MIRACLE I DIDN'T FLOOD THE
CHURCH....I JUST COULDN'T STOP CRYING AND I COULD HARDLY BREATHE....I HAD TO
BITE MY LIP TO STOP ME FROM MAKING A SCENE) 

THE NEXT THING I REMEMBER THE PREACHER SAID WAS, "I WANT ANYONE WHO IS IN NEED 
OF PRAYER TO WALK UP TO THE ALTER AND LEAVE EVERYTHING IN GOD'S HANDS...
(MY HEART FELT LIKE IT WAS GOING TO POP, I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO FAINT) THE 
PREACHER STARTED COUNTING SLOWLY BACKWARDS FROM 10 SAYING THAT TONIGHT WAS THE 
NIGHT TO START NEW...(I COULD FINALLY MOVE AND GET UP WHEN HE WAS ON # 2...
MY AUNT WALKED UP WITH ME AND WE BOTH KNEELED IN FRONT OF THE ALTER....SHE LOOKED
AT ME AND SAID.....THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO OFFER YOU, YOU ARE LOVED AND YOU HAVE 
DONE NOTHING WRONG......THAT'S WHEN I JUST LOST IT.....WE WERE THERE HUGGING AND
CRYING.......THEM ALL OF A SUDDEN I HEAR THIS MAN TALKING IN MY EAR....IT WAS
THE PREACHER.....BUT HIS WORDS WERE FROM GOD...HE ANSWERED MANY QUESTIONS
THAT I'VE ASKED / YELLED AT GOD MANY TIMES...HE SAID...

Yes, I CRY WHEN YOU CRY, YES YOUR PAIN HURTS ME, YES I AM NEXT TO YOU ALWAYS.
NO, YOUR PAIN IS NOT IN VAIN. NO, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME, NO I'VE NEVER GOTTEN
TIRED OF YOU. YES I DID SAY "ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE" AND YOU WILL RECEIVE, 
I KNOW WHAT I DO, I AM NEVER LATE. YOU ARE THE GIRL OF MY EYES AND I
DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE. YES I WILL GET YOU THRU THIS. YES IT DOES HAVE AN END,
I'VE LET YOU DO THINGS YOUR WAY....NOW LET ME DO THEM MY WAY, YES I LOVE YOU,
JUST WAIT AND YOU'LL SEE THAT I AM NEVER LATE, THE HUG YOU ARE RECEIVING NOW
IS FROM ME...

BY THIS POINT MY TEARS WERE OF RELIEF, MIXED WITH SADNESS, HAPPINESS AND
SHAME FOR ALL THOSE NIGHTS I THOUGHT HE HAD ABANDONED ME, FOR ALL THE TIMES I
BEGGED HIM TO LET ME DIE, FOR THE TIMES I'VE TRIED TO TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT.

I'VE COME BACK HOME WITH THE DETERMINATION TO START A NEW LIFE, TO WORK HARDER
ON MY MARRIAGE AND EVEN IF IT FAILS I WILL KNOW THAT I TIED MY BEST, TO LIVE
FOR MY KIDS, TO BE THE MOM FOR THEM THAT I ALWAYS WANTED FOR MYSELF, ONE DAY
TO BE ABLE TO SAY....I GAVE MY KIDS A HAPPY CHILDHOOD......TO TAKE THE GOOD
THINGS IN LIFE AND LEAVE BEHIND THE BAD, TO LOVE MYSELF, TO NOT DWELL ON THE
PAST, THAT WHEN PEOPLE LEAVE MY LIFE FOR WHATEVER REASON.......TO BE GRATEFUL
THAT I GOT TO LOVE AND LEARN FROM THEM NO MATTER HOW IT ENDS.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT MY DEPRESSION HAS DISAPPEARED, BUT I HAVE A STRONG FEELING
THAT IT WILL SOMEDAY SOON. I KNOW VERY HARD DAYS, WEEKS AND MONTHS ARE
AHEAD OF ME, I KNOW THAT I WON'T LIVE A LIFE TEAR-FREE, BUT I HAVE GREAT HOPE
THAT ONE DAY WHEN I DO CRY WHEN I DO GET DEPRESSED, IT WILL BE FOR SOMETHING
THAT IS HAPPENING IN MY PRESENT NOT FOR SOMETHING CHAINED TO MY PAST. I HAVE
GREAT HOPE THAT OVER ALL I WILL LIVE A HAPPY LIFE, AND THAT I WILL GO THRU
THE STORMS WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THE SUN WILL SHINE ONCE AGAIN, I WILL LIVE
KNOWING THAT I'M NOT ALONE. LITTLE BY LITTLE I WILL BECOME WHOLE AGAIN.